Complaints/Whining: Bad Handwriting and Noisy Testing Rooms and other things

The number one complaint I hear from teachers about my uhm…”qualities” is related to my piss-poor penmanship. (You would think that the number one complaint would be my frequent procrastination, which often results in crap work, but apparently my handwriting is even worse than what I produce in an all-nighter).

My handwriting is recognisable to some degree so I hesitate to post it. And besides I don’t want the public to be analysing my penmanship in order to gain insights into my personality, which is incredibly dull as it is. Believe me, there is hardly anything interesting about the person behind this mask of supposed Anonymity. Ha, take that, graphology!

Anyway, as you can imagine, countless examiners have suffered the seemingly random streaks and strokes of my horrible handwriting. I feel for them, I really do. In fact, sometimes I cannot even read my own handwriting (which obviously is problematic given that I rely on my handwritten notes for physics formulas, biochemistry notes, and so on). Many a time have I suffered the consequences. I failed a quiz because I mistook a random streak to be a negative sign. Attempts have been made to ameliorate the symptomology of dysgraphica, but it seems to little avail.

It’s really, really difficult for me to control how those strokes appear on the paper. I can’t think what the problem could be! Usually, this problem of mine manifests its ugly head when I am in full testing mode. Or when I am taking notes. Or when I am signing something. You get the point.

My case is far from unique, however. Math Teacher tells us that the computer-generated requirement for Portfolios was made because of illegible handwriting in the Olden Days when IBers made Math Portfolios in their handwriting. Goodness gracious me. I can’t imagine how horrible that must have been for the Assessers.

And on a completely different note…

There is the problem of being in a noisy testing room. I’m afraid I can’t block out auditory stimuli as much as I’d like to, so it’s difficult to concentrate when people are chattering or even making very minor sounds. It’s as if that seemingly ’silent’ clicking from someone’s pen (across the room) was amplified and takes over all my thoughts. I mean, what the hell! What tricks will my brain play on me next?

And now on a REALLY different note…

I’m a major procrastinator, yet I’m also a perfectionist (sometimes to an unhealthy level). This combination is highly toxic. I don’t think I have to elaborate on that point. But I will say that for all my displays of being laid-back (to other people) I am actually very self-critical (perhaps to a pathological degree). And with intense self-criticism comes intense self-doubt, and that self-doubt of course may impinge upon one’s self-esteem. Horrid chain, really. It needs to be broken soon (if not now).

What I’m trying to say is that for the past four years I have been masquerading as a Type B personality when in reality I am very much Type A. Even when I am pretending to relax, it is just that: a facade. Always at the back of my mind there is something nagging its way to consciousness. It’s difficult to clear my mind. There’s simply too much going on in here *points to her cranium* and I believe I’ve gone batty from all that noise and rubbish up there.

I’m not speaking for everyone in the IB; rather this is just a portrait (painted with very grim, jarring colours) of myself.

I have a sinking feeling this all has to do with my continual sleep deprivation.