Just a note

I have a very “dark” sense of “humour” that seems to come out often on this blog. So if you find yourself reading a post and saying to yourself, “My goodness, this young woman needs therapy to deal with her issues of self-esteem and inward anger” you are probably right. But that is not what I meant to write about. So I will begin again.

I have a very dark sense of humour that rears its macabre head when I write posts for this blog. From what I write about the IB, it may seem like the most horrid experience of your life. Or Hell. But seriously though, you have to understand that this was my “creative”/angsty outlet, which is to say that my experience is definitely not representative of all IB experiences. I am just one person trying to convey to an anonymous audience the trials and travails of her own experience in the programme. And also post the stuff I write that I am too afraid of showing to my teachers.

For the most part, venting my frustrations on this blog while in the IB helped maintain most of my remaining sanity. I pride myself in knowing that I never turned to drugs, alcohol, smoking, and promiscuity as a means of escape. I did, however, read a lot of depressing novels about overachieving students and wrote things on this site. Which, one could argue, might be just as bad as turning to the demon drink because reading good fiction can cause one to overanalyse. But I am rambling again.

Some of your classmates in IB who appear more inclined towards the “practical” subjects may call written works and visual arts as “pointless”, but there is a point to art. Art is a means of expression by which…oh oops, I will stop there. I do not want to get into detail as I might as well post my TOK essay on that subject.

I have decided then that I will try to be more encouraging as a survivor of the IB Programme to young’uns who have just entered the programme or are currently going through it.

But I cannot guarantee that I will slip something dark into my posts (evidence of this is above).

…ironic that I wrote a lot of essay-length posts on this blog while railing against essay-writing for IB.

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On writing A “Novel”

And by A Novel I meant “fictional” memoir. Wrap thy brain around that.

Since it is Novel Writing Month, I am trying to write a chapter a day on my supposedly “fictional” “memoir” of IB. However, my poor female protagonist is not faring well at the moment as her author keeps vacillating between a Bell Jar/Catcher in the Rye type character and a sort of modern day Jane Eyre.

The Novel may as well be called The Catcher in the Bell Jar: A Goddamn, Crummy, Phony, Stillborn Fictional-But Not Really Fictional Autobiography About (a) Nervous Breakdown(s) of a Plain, Emotionally Disturbed But Overachieving Young Woman. BUT that’s much too lengthy a title, so I’ll stick with Of Sleepless Nights and Barrels of Coffee.

In the meantime, I have made up a really crummy song to the tune of Rehab by Amy Winehouse, a song which I anticipate will be in the Bottom 40 as it will only be sung by me.

They tried to make me do my homework,

But I said NO NO NO.

Yes I have work,

But then I go beserk

When I have to do my ho-homework.

I’d rather be on the ‘tube instead,

Waiting for my brain to go dead.

Cuz there’s nothing, nothing you’ll state,

That’ll stop me from doing my work laaate.

…and so on.

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Ah, university life

I sit in my dorm room at this moment, munching on the sandwich that has just been delivered by the sandwich shop a few steps away (I was much too lazy to walk there myself). The fan buzzes below my roomate’s bed, the air blowing at my face as I lean on the wall, laptop burning my sensitive parts because the inner fan is essentially ineffective. And I am frozen with ABSOLUTE UNENDING despair on my bed as I realise that I could have gone to the pub with friends tonight and gotten drunk off my face and possibly dying of alcohol poisoning. But really, I should not tell you youngsters matters of an alcoholish nature.

What has IB Graduate been up to her 2nd month of university?

She has immersed herself into the theatre scene on campus and is featured in various plays. FEATURED, mind you, not STARRING as she so evidently deserves as she is a magnificent, a brilliant actress. Sigh. How they will regret it when she wins an Olivier, a Tony, an Oscar, and then a Razzie (when she falls into has-been status after a much-publicized ordeal with drug addiction). But to be in a play is enough especially since she had no opportunity to be in any plays while that thing called Life Outside of IB was put on hold.

IB Graduate is convinced that she was given roles in the plays she is in out of pity as she is not, despite the paragraph above, truly a great actress. Almost passable, maybe, but not great or good. At the moment she is attempting to write a play about globalization, which seems to be what everything boils down to in her international studies classes. She is attempting to make it satirical, but every so often when she attempts that she ends up with a work that is so very serious and depressing. And yes, she has time for writing plays and books of poems now. Her fictional memoir of IB is germinating.

It is Halloween week in her dormitory and she now has just returned from a practise Americans seem to call trick-or-treating (only once has she encountered a trick), minus the costume, the kitschy decorations, the masses of little boys and girls dressed as cars/princesses/witches/vampires and the lame treats (who gives pennies to little children??). Her costume du jour is blue jeans and a hoodie. Can you guess what she is dressed up as?

On her messy bed a caramelized taffy apple awaits its gestation.

IB Grad has no idea where her roomie is, but for the moment she’ll just assume she’s off studying as usual.

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I am still alive!

Dear Reader (if you exist),

If you must know, I am at university already. Which can only mean that I have survived(!) IB. It has been nearly a month since I began my post-IB life officially, and I must regrettably say that the IB programme has prepared me for university life. But that does not detract from the toil, the pain, the misery, the pain, and finally, the pain that I experienced as an IB student. I am going to keep this blog up as future reference and am also hoping that those who are in charge of coordinating the IB programmes at their respective institutions read my experiences. To add, I have uploaded all the posts that were previously on a different blog here for easier reference.

As a sort of disclaimer: My final IB year was riddled with a myriad of personal troubles, so if my posts from that year seem depressing, it is due to my state of mind during that phase of my life. That is to say that the programme should not be held entirely accountable for my I-hate-the-world-the-world-hates-me-I-want-to-die phase. There is, after all, this interesting thing we call Personal Life which often gets in the way. I must assure you that I am not as tortured or depressive as I seem on this blog, nor am I that witty or brilliant.

One day, if you see a satirical novel at bookstores about a secondary school programme that is startlingly similar to the IB Programme and the personalities it victimises, you can be sure that this particular IB Student is the source of those wickedly humourous anectdotes. You will probably also meet a young woman at the book tours of said novel who may or may not be me and who will say she is representing IB Student.

For all the criticisms I have had and continue to have of aspects of the IBP, my reflections on the IB experience have sadly become testimonials to its strengths. How ironical that I should become a sort of spokesperson for the IB Diploma Programme. Ah, the places the winds of life blow you to…My former teachers have pointed out that I would not have been able to articulate such criticisms so eloquently had it not been for the IB. Thank you, teachers, you are really burgeoning my self-esteem by telling me that I am merely a product of an international programme, churned out as I am by the cogs of academic rigour. I am trying to be facetious here, but probably my intended effect has been lost on you, dear reader.

So was it worth it, all that strife? I would say yes, that had it not been for IB most of my university hours would be spent fulfilling general distribution requirements, which are often painful. Think of IB as suffering earlier for the sake of saving your future, collegiate self. At what cost? Possibly your mental health, your friendships, your family life, your sanity (oh wait–I mentioned that already), and your idealism. Actually, the worth of IB is up to YOU to decide. If you feel that you must keep the afore mentioned intact, there is nothing wrong with dropping out. My own stubbornness to “stay the course!” as a feverishly driven studentĀ  in the IB prevented me from dropping out.

I often wonder to myself how historical overachievers and brilliant writers in literature, like Plath or Sexton or Woolf or Eliot or Austen, would have fared in the IB and what they would have written about their experiences. That said, I am not a famous writer whose life and personality has been shrouded in mythology which tends to take the tone of a Grecian tragedy and whose life and works have been scrutinised over and over again by various parties. I am trying to avoid that from happening while I am still alive.

I am positive someone out there must be wondering whether or not I attended their school. I will not, ever, disclose my true identity for I am just as likely to type out my home address on the Internet as I am revealing my real name, my university, and my secondary school. Or even worse, posting a photograph of myself so as to make me completely identifiable. Note that I am not above fabricating details about my background, basic information, and other such information so if you do come across a photo you believe is of the BRILLIANT young woman behind this blog, then you are probably mistaken as I will probably be in some sort of disguise. As dark and morbid as I seem here, I assure you that I do not wear black all the time nor do I listen to depressing music all the time. If, perchance, you meet a tall young woman with kinky dark wavy hair clutching dearly to a textbook that seems to be titled Global Issues, that will probably be my literary representative and that is quite possibly the closest you will get to meeting me in real life while being aware of it. Do not read the sentenced with the strike-through.

Since I am sparing you the personal details of the author behind this blog, just think of me as the IB’s Jane Eyre. Or if you prefer more depressing “modern” fare, the Esther Greenwood/Holden Caulfield of IB. Although, as I have reiterated here, I am not as messed-up as I seem in writing.

So if you are still in the death throes of IB and in need some emotional support or just have some questions, feel free to send an owl my way–I mean, an email at arandomperson [at] whoever [dot] com. It’s a real email address, I swear! Give it a try.

Love,

Former IB Student

PS I will continue to write in this blog or perhaps a different one on wordpress.com.

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And so it ends…

Today was our last day of high school. Though we have yet to receive our diplomas and have yet to go through the graduation ceremonies, all work and such officially ended today. I have been restraining my tears throughout this entire week for it is a bittersweet end to what I’ve been working for the past 5-6 years. Contrary to what I expected, it was anti-climatic without appearing to be so. I feel that this is one of the high points of my life even despite all the struggles (particularly this year).

One of my teachers, who is known to be a big softie could not restrain his tears. He made me realise today what a great person he is, both as teacher and as human being. I have of course been touched by all my IB teachers, and though some have been the rotten apples in a good bushel, even bitter tastes afford for one an acquired skill in discriminating between the good and the awful.

I cried a little also when I realised that my journey in this stage of life has ended.

I’m weary of everyone, to be honest, and I’m glad I’m not participating in certain traditional high school activities. It’s time for me to retreat for the next three months before I officially matriculate into my college. People have begun to notice that gradually I am withdrawing, and for that there are many reasons. But I digress.

One week from today, Life After IB commences. :D That of course means that this blog has reached its end.

I began this blog almost two years ago in the hopes of recording my experiences with the programme. I hope that others will read it and be inspired to reflect on their experiences as I have often done. Though many posts were written in frustration, in sarcasm, in depression, I have tried to be as honest as possible to convey “realism”. In retrospect what I have complained about in the past has shaped everything about me.

Ultimately I find that my experiences in the IB programme have truly been rewarding.Though others may disagree, may find it a waste of time as I have often thought it to be sometimes, and though I repeat myself often what I have gained from this experience extends well beyond the walls of a classroom, well beyond the academic constraints to which we have been acclimated. For you see, the IB Programme is not something its students will like WHILE they are immersed in its glory, but it is a learning experience to which they will look back and think, gosh I cannot believe I went through all that but somehow I’m glad I did.

I’m sure that even when I am old and lonely as is my destiny to be I will look back on my IB years as simultaneously harrowing and enjoyable (GASP!).

Non, je ne regrette rien

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The end of testing!

Hoorah!

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Stairway to…Hell! D:

Today began Week 2 of my ever illustrious experiences testing for the IB Diploma. Fantastic stuff. Of course. English A1 is over and done with, however, so in that I find comfort (along with the fact that I’ve only two more subjects to go and I am over and done with IB tests for the rest of my life!!–erm, if I don’t end up an academic paid to be an IB examiner, that is).

It is literally a stairway to hell, however, when one is on their way to the main testing room, which is in the basement of the school. I call them the Dungeons because I am still a nerdy Harry Potter fan at heart (and because I’ve begun to think of sitting for exams as a magical experience, which is delusional of course).

In the Dungeons 100, sometimes less, test-takers are locked (literally) inside because Saged IB Coordinator locks the door. It’s like a prison with maximum security as headed by our Saged, Possibly Senile IB Coordinator Who Is Quite Possibly As Old as the School. Only one person can enter and exit at a time (unless it is a break), and Miss Saged IB Coordinator is the main interloper between the disintegrating desks and freedom.

The pipes on the ceiling apparently drip some greasy substance (or perhaps it was actually Pine-Sol, but I’m not so sure). It is to those pipes I fix my eyes when I finish testing early. I imagine all the nasty things that pass through them (the POTIONS chambres are nearby, and who knows what crap they dump into those drains).

Rumour has it that the door nearby the testing room leads to a dark and creepy tunnel (which I will definitely explore before I graduate), which is itself connected to the other building of my school. For all I know it could be completely mundane, but still, I must satiate the curiousity that so drives me like emotion does Jane Eyre. Curiosity! Restraint! Curiosity! RESTRAINT! EMOTION! LOVE! FIRE! FIERY LOVE!!!

Right, I’m going mad. Anyways! [On a side note, we have a horseload of final projects to complete. One of them involves becoming a character in one of the novels we've read for English A1. I intend to become a modern-day version of Jane Eyre for the next few weeks. If anyone asks why I'm so passionate, it is all part of what we sophisticated actresses call method acting, though others, especially literature teachers may come to know it as Ways of Annoying Your IB Teacher. *evil grin*]

As this blog reaches its end, I’m considering showing it to one of my IB Teachers in the hopes that they will find it mildly entertaining. I’ve said some

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One down, three more to go

The server that hosts this site has been sick lately. But now it appears to be better.

My goodness. I survived the first week of IB testing!

All my higher levels that I worried about are over with, including some of my standard levels. Now just half of English A1 HL, French B SL, Physics SL to with which to deal. Then those pesky AP tests for which I hope I receive university credits will be coming as well.

I surely hope I did okay on those tests. My projected scores were pretty good (save for Physics, at which I am apparently hopeless); 6s and 7s for everything but the aforementioned. Let’s hope my projections are realised.

Aside from testing it’s finally hit me that I am to graduate REALLY REALLY REALLY soon (two weeks after testing ends! My goodness) from high school and go on to that previously elusive Land of University. I am the only one in our IB class to attend my post-secondary institution, so I shall be obliged to make new friends with whom I will share delectable and most definitely embellished details of my otherwise monotonous experiences in IB. That only means, of course, that my network of people will be expanded. Which could potentially entail my making more enemies as well. Exciting stuff, yes?

Speaking of said post-secondary institution, I’m ashamed to admit this but in many ways it is a continuation of IB. Yes, there. I said it. It is a continuation because of its emphasis on internationalism, blah blah blah international studies blah I’m going to major in that blah blah cheesy schweesy stuff IB inspired me to do so blah.

There were quite a few people from last year’s IB class who matriculated into Ivies and were in general super-hyper-uber-overachievers. Our class this year, though very intelligent, tend to be less…diligent, let’s say. Most are not members and officers of every freaking club. Save for like 5 people out of 83 (those 5 people are both super smart and hardworking, a frightening combination), most will be attending really great schools.

Later on I’ll post about my memories of IB.

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The Month of Testing!

Begins tomorrow! Oh noes, tis the real thing.

In honour of this momentous occasion for which I’ve been preparing for in the past few weeks (hence my absence) I’ve written a song (which is far from brilliant or even good, but whatever).

The time is near
And I fear
That I’ll fail all my tests
But nevertheless
I’ll try to do my best.

English A1 tomorrow!
Will I crack or go?

I’ve a commentary
To write
And I’ll sigh
At Paper 1’s sight.

“Focus on all the techniques,”
My teacher said,
“And they’ll be impressed,”
These were the words we were spoonfed.

What passage and what poem will I face?
What techniques will I see?
I don’t know if I can do it brilliantly
But I’ll try my best in this case…

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Complaints/Whining: Bad Handwriting and Noisy Testing Rooms and other things

The number one complaint I hear from teachers about my uhm…”qualities” is related to my piss-poor penmanship. (You would think that the number one complaint would be my frequent procrastination, which often results in crap work, but apparently my handwriting is even worse than what I produce in an all-nighter).

My handwriting is recognisable to some degree so I hesitate to post it. And besides I don’t want the public to be analysing my penmanship in order to gain insights into my personality, which is incredibly dull as it is. Believe me, there is hardly anything interesting about the person behind this mask of supposed Anonymity. Ha, take that, graphology!

Anyway, as you can imagine, countless examiners have suffered the seemingly random streaks and strokes of my horrible handwriting. I feel for them, I really do. In fact, sometimes I cannot even read my own handwriting (which obviously is problematic given that I rely on my handwritten notes for physics formulas, biochemistry notes, and so on). Many a time have I suffered the consequences. I failed a quiz because I mistook a random streak to be a negative sign. Attempts have been made to ameliorate the symptomology of dysgraphica, but it seems to little avail.

It’s really, really difficult for me to control how those strokes appear on the paper. I can’t think what the problem could be! Usually, this problem of mine manifests its ugly head when I am in full testing mode. Or when I am taking notes. Or when I am signing something. You get the point.

My case is far from unique, however. Math Teacher tells us that the computer-generated requirement for Portfolios was made because of illegible handwriting in the Olden Days when IBers made Math Portfolios in their handwriting. Goodness gracious me. I can’t imagine how horrible that must have been for the Assessers.

And on a completely different note…

There is the problem of being in a noisy testing room. I’m afraid I can’t block out auditory stimuli as much as I’d like to, so it’s difficult to concentrate when people are chattering or even making very minor sounds. It’s as if that seemingly ’silent’ clicking from someone’s pen (across the room) was amplified and takes over all my thoughts. I mean, what the hell! What tricks will my brain play on me next?

And now on a REALLY different note…

I’m a major procrastinator, yet I’m also a perfectionist (sometimes to an unhealthy level). This combination is highly toxic. I don’t think I have to elaborate on that point. But I will say that for all my displays of being laid-back (to other people) I am actually very self-critical (perhaps to a pathological degree). And with intense self-criticism comes intense self-doubt, and that self-doubt of course may impinge upon one’s self-esteem. Horrid chain, really. It needs to be broken soon (if not now).

What I’m trying to say is that for the past four years I have been masquerading as a Type B personality when in reality I am very much Type A. Even when I am pretending to relax, it is just that: a facade. Always at the back of my mind there is something nagging its way to consciousness. It’s difficult to clear my mind. There’s simply too much going on in here *points to her cranium* and I believe I’ve gone batty from all that noise and rubbish up there.

I’m not speaking for everyone in the IB; rather this is just a portrait (painted with very grim, jarring colours) of myself.

I have a sinking feeling this all has to do with my continual sleep deprivation.

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